New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
