she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
We are all done wearing pants today
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
