If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
