oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just found a bag of teeth...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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