Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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