he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
