the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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