This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
