he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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