so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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