My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize