He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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