the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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