the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
