her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
