You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
