So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
