If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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