it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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