long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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