Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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