There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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