Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
