I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
