I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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