Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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