He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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