i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
being pregnant is like rehab
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
