Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
