i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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