We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
