I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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