sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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