Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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