The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
