you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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