The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
