My liver just broke up with me...
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
