what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
