remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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