I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
