When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
