man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
