my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
