how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
