when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
