I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
