One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
