No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
