im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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