he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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