the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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