I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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