my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You made out with two different species that night
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
