I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
