What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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