i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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