even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
