Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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