I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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