M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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