i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
