Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
