using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
