you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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