the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
